Contributed by sharon manaog

YOU HARDEN THERE!

There was this Pinay named Maria who was born and raised in Olongapo  City . She met her husband, John while
he was stationed at Subic Bay Naval Base.

Maria didn't have an excellent command of the English language, but she and John managed to communicate.

One day, Maria decided to cook a big dinner for John, so she called up John at work and told him to come home
straight from work.

John and his co-workers had been working long hours trying to finish up a project their admiral had assigned
them weeks ago, so they were excited to finally finish it. They decided to go to the ship's chow hall to celebrate.

When John came home around midnight , he realized he forgot about the dinner that Maria had made for him. As
Maria came out of the kitchen, John began to explain.

John: "Honey, I'm really sorry. The guys decided to celebrate a little bit, so we ended up eating at the ship."

Maria: " Ah, like that, ha? I cook the house for you, you eat the ship! "

John: "Honey, I'm really sorry."

Maria: " Ahh! Don't sorry to me! From now, you do your do, I do my do!  You harden there! "

[ Maria 's Tagalog translation]: "Ah, ganon ha? Pinagluto kita dito sa bahay, kumain ka naman sa barko! Mula
ngayon, gawin mo ang gusto mong gawin, gagawin ko ang gusto kong gawin! MANIGAS KA DIYAN!"


The Battle of the Brainless is back!

Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines ?

Contestant: Niyog?

Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.

Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!  


Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?  

Contestant: Sa back?

Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).

Contestant: Likod?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito ( Rizal Park ).

Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)


Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?

Contestant: Banyo?

Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.

Contestant: Bubong?

Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.

Contestant: Beerhouse!


Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang  tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?

Contestant: Lifebuoy?

Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan nito.

Contestant : Safeguard?

Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.

Contestant : Safe Buoy?

Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.

Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!


Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?

Contestant: Sirena?

Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.

Contestant: Siyokoy?

Host: Hindi ito lalake.

Contestant: Siyoke?


Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines ?

Contestant: Sunflower?

Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.

Contestant: Stork?

Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?

Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?

Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa
"S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?

Conestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!


Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia ?

Contestant: Carole KING?

Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.

Contestant: Al QUINN?

Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.

Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.

Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?

Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.

Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT ?

Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.

Contestant: Jerry PONS?

Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.

Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!


Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue, may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)

Contestant: Nora Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".

Contestant: Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.

Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.

Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!


Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines ?

Contestant: Kuto?

Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.

Contestant: Kutong Lupa!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Confessional

Don't get any ideas :-)  Contributed by Popoy Laguio, Jacksonville, Florida.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" asks the priest.

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I won't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well  tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned,
and you must atone.  You cannot attend church for three months, be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,  "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tendjewberrymud

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. Have you ever heard of the
word.... "Tendjewberrymud"? It's amazing, you will understand this word by the end of the conversation... Read
aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). Those who've been around Asia will be able to
relate to this. Read on and enjoy.


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny.  Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny!  Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay.  An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos.  July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No?  Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'  means."

RS: "Toes!  toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?  Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!!  I've got it!  You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes.  Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie.  Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"


Actual Answers (word for word) to Sixth Grade History tests:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had
myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans, because they never stayed in one
place for very long

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote
many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before
her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was borng in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tagedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet.
Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wroke Donkey Hote. The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered
America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard
one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would
send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis.

23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in
a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.

26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a
book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are
falling off the trees.

27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was
very large.

28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in
the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the
West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who
practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered
a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

32. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the
anals of human history.

The Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any
activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report...

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house.  I follow. He and she got
on train. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She
strip he. He plays with she. She plays with he. I play with ME. I fall out of tree. Not see.

EUROenglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of
the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favor of the "k".. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the
"f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.
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